Past, Present, Future

Sunday was a blur.  I spoke at a church I've never been to before, in two services, and in a luncheon afterwards.  I think it went well.  I don't really get nervous about public speaking, even in front of large groups, but yesterday I did have some butterflies when I saw how large the church was.  I have a new respect for pastors who preach multiple sermons each Sunday.  Giving two sermons and then another hour long question and answer time after lunch, plus all of the conversations when people came up to me to talk....I was wiped out.  I also had a 40 minute drive home.  

Life doesn't always turn out how we expected it to, does it?  There were two sisters at my table for the luncheon, one a senior in high school and the other in university.  Talking with them reminded me of how I felt at those stages in my life...when my high school graduation was painful close, and when I was trying to decide what to study in college.  I felt those choices were the deciding elements of the rest of my life!  Ten years after my high school graduation, those moments of angst seems far away.  There are new decisions that feel huge, new paths that I didn't expect, new challenges to be faced.  

Five years ago, I starting taking steps to move to London.  Three years ago, I moved to London.  Three months ago, I moved from London.  My curious nature wants to know what the next step is...will it include moving to a new country? Or will I live in the USA for a little while? 

Sometimes I feel a little discouraged and I wonder what the last three years actually accomplished.  But I'm a hopeful person, and those sort of thoughts don't stay for long.  How can they when I start to remember all the challenges, accomplishments, and joys of those three years?  There were sad moments, painful moments, hurts I didn't expect.  But Psalm 30:5 says, "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning."  And this is a new morning for me.  God knows his plans for me, and I take great comfort from that promise.  It calms my desire to plan, to know each step ahead.  I feel a peace that I can't explain when people ask me what my plans are.  Others seem to be more anxious for me than I feel for myself.  

I think this is for the best.  It's easy for me to always be looking forward, planning, going, preparing.  I struggle with the "now."  But I know this time is critical.  Counselors might call it closure.  In Christian circles, it often is called "finishing well."  For me, it is a time to process, to choose what I take with me and what I leave behind.  If I knew my next steps, I think I would be focused on preparing, packing, planning....you get the idea.   

The lyrics of the hymn "I know who holds tomorrow" are a comfort to me.  I love the words of the chorus: 

Many things about tomorrow,

I don't seem to understand;

But I know Who holds tomorrow,

And I know Who holds my hand.

Isn't that a great reminder?

This week, I had another familiar lesson to relearn.  I am very hard on myself!  I've been taking a distance learning course that included some video recorded sessions sent to the professor to mark.  After I sent my final DVD to the professor, I started to feel really terrible.  I misread the the directions for one part of the grading criteria, and I was afraid I would need to completely redo the DVD in order to pass the class.  I was really upset.  Because of my move, I had already asked for an extension on the class, which was another really difficult thing for me to do.  Now, if I needed a further extension to pass the class, I felt like that would be total failure!  The professor emailed me on Friday to let me know he had received my DVD but hadn't graded it yet. All weekend, I anxiously checked my email, hoping I would have an email from him and yet not wanting to read it.  I realized I was being ridiculous and that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I had to redo the taping.  But I still didn't want to have to do it. 

This morning there was an email. I opened it, and read his review.  He gave me full marks for the DVD and was very complimentary in his comments on my work.  

I had to have a little talk with myself.  Was it worth the stress I put on myself?  Nope.  Even if he deemed my DVD unacceptable and I had to resubmit it, would that have been so terrible? Nope.  In hindsight, it seems silly to have stressed out so much over one assignment.  It is one pattern of mine that I want to change.  

This leaves me with an sense of excitement and anticipation for the rest of this year.  As I wrote earlier, five years ago I started preparing to move to London.  But just six years ago, I didn't imagine I would live in London!  I've been really blessed.  I've seen some incredible parts of the world, met literally hundreds of people I wouldn't have encountered otherwise, and I've grown and changed a lot personally as well.  It is with a great sense of anticipation that I wonder...."What is next?"  :)  In my heart, I know I'll know at the right time.