Ezra

After four days, I think I'm beginning to feel as though I'm trapped in a parallel universe where I really am the mother of four.  I still look like me (maybe a few extra grey hairs now) but it's 7:41 on a Sunday, church starts at 10:30, and I'm awake, showered, breakfasted, and ready to share with you from my morning devotions.  I have even adopted that blissful pause, appreciating the silence after the kids have gone to bed, while I do the last of the tidying up from the day before I fall into bed.

I wonder if my parents arranged this so I would appreciate them even more on Father's Day?  Hmmm...sneaky....(Happy Father's Day, Daddy!)  

Years ago, my pastor challenged us to read through the Bible in a year, regardless of what age we were.  I don't remember how old I was, I just know I was in high school, but I loved to read and I took him up on it.  I'm not sure how many times I've read through the Bible by now.  It has not been every year, but I think at least seven or eight years.  If you haven't done this, please do.  You don't have to do it in a year, but read the entire Bible.  It's beautiful.  Yes, some parts are confusing and make no sense in our culture today, but do some research to find out what it might mean.  The best thing is to pray and ask God to help you understand and even to have the passion to keep at it.  

I've been reading the book of Ezra.  It's after the Exile, and the Israelites are confessing their sins to God.  Ezra's prayer in chapter 9 is incredible.  Even if you don't want to read the entire book of Ezra this week (but if you want encouragement, it's only 10 chapters long ;) So why not?)  Here are the verses I've kept rereading:

What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and our great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins have deserved and have given us a remnant like this...O LORD, the God of Israel, you are righteous!  We are left this day as a remnant.  Here we are before you in our guilt, thought because of it, none of us can stand in your presence. (Ezra 9:13, 15)

The grief Ezra felt is described both before and after these verses.  His perspective is incredible to me.  He sees the wrong his people have done, and he is heartbroken by it.  He's felt the impact of the Exile, even though he wasn't one who did wrong.  And yet, there is not a sense of injustice or anger.  Instead, Ezra recognises the collective wrongdoing and goes to God in prayer and mourning.  

So often we seem to feel that the bad situations are unfair of God to allow.  But reread the verses.  Ezra says, "You've punished us less than our sins have deserved."  He doesn't try to point out that he's a good person and he's been faithful to God and deserves  to be spared from suffering.  Ezra even finds the bright side: "[You] have given us a remnant like this..." And he persists in praising God, recognising that "You are righteous!"Isn't that amazing?  

The second point that stood out to me was verse 15.  "Here we are before you in our guilt."  It's our tendency to hide, isn't it?  We feel embarrassed or ashamed, and so we try to keep a secret of our wrongdoing from God and everyone else.  Yet truth brings freedom.  Confession is good for the soul. (That's actually a Scottish proverb!)  There is nothing quite like the feeling of awe and lightness that comes from telling someone you've wronged and seeing them smile and forgive you.  

It reminds me of a situation a few weeks ago.  I borrowed clothes from a friend here in London, who is very fashionable.  She knows I care about how I dress as well, and I was going to Spain for a conference.  She amazed me when I arrived at her flat by letting me borrow anything from her summer wardrobe, which was quite large!  I initially thought I would borrow two or three tops, and instead, borrowed an entire carrier bag of clothes.  

It was a wonderful treat.  When I got home, I wanted to bless her in return.  I did laundry, careful to separate things and to use the delicate setting.  But something went wrong on the last load of clothes, which included two white pairs of trousers, a white tank top, and a faint cream coloured shirt.  The last load finished before I would go to bed and I wanted to hang them to dry by the radiator.  I opened the washing machine and pulled out sunshine yellow clothing.  

I honestly don't know what happened.  The one white top had little tiny yellow flowers, but I can't imagine that would have caused EVERYTHING to turn.  I spent the next three hours (until 2 AM) trying every remedy I could find on the internet for reversing this problem.  Nothing helped.  The dye had spread evenly and completely.  They were still wearable, but very much NOT white.  I even tried looking online to see if I could find the items to replace them for L.  Nothing.

Two days later, I was to meet with L in central London to return her clothes.  When she arrived with her husband, she announced, "Oh I've had an awful day, I'm so sorry we're late."  Uh oh...not going to get any better...  I handed her husband the bag and looked at her and said, "I have to tell you something."  I started crying and blubbered through my explanation, barely able to look at her.  She had been so gracious and just wanted to spoil me for a week, and this is what happened?  

The first thing I heard was L's laughter.  She touched my chin to make me look at her and said, "Hope my sister, you matter more to me than clothes.  They are just clothes."  She hugged me.  After she looked at the clothes she said, "At least they are yellow.  I love yellow.  Thank you for not dyeing them black!"  

That's how I think we often come before God.  We're afraid to look.  We've finally gotten up the courage to at least come before him, but like Ezra and the Israelites, we know we haven't even gotten our due for what we've done, and still, we can't stand in his presence.  But the best moment is when God touches our chin to make us look up and we hear the reminder that through Jesus, we are forgiven.  It's like breaking through the water and finally being able to breathe again.